??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
