Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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