Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize