I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
