Where are you?
In a non slutty way
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
