I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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