She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
