can we get nightvision for the apartment?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
