remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
