we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
