Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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