Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
