If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
