when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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