Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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