she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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