i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
