i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
did i walk over a car last night?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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