I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
