Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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