Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
