That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
