I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
