Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
