my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
