Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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