Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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