life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
