I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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