Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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