I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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