Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I wish I only lived at night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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