The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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