I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
