physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
