I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
