I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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