i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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