i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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