just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
