It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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