I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
