So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
