Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
