There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
