Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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