i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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