if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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