I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
