Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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