They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
