i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
