I'm eating all of the evidence.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
