I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
