how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
