You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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