I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh god it's open bar.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
