what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
