I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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